PEARLS & AMBER: DIVINE DROP-LEAF TABLES

Elle Decor has a brief but thorough article about divine drop leaf tables this month

They'd called up their writer, their favorite down-and-out writer, whom they just knew would LEAP at the chance to write about drop leaf tables.

The writer said "Drop leaf what?"

The powers-that-be said "You know, like the time the side of the table...surely you know the time I mean....the whole side of the $#%&^%*&^*! seemed to fall off. And all the food fell in, you know, somebody's lap and all--"

"No I don't," says the writer, and announces he did not go to Journalism school to write about drop leaf whatevers, no matter how much they planned to pay him."

"A lot of money," say the editors definitively.

"Yeah, well like how much exactly," says the writer. Maybe he's even stood up now, and is frantically gesturing his wife to drop what she's doing and come over to clue him in as to what a drop leaf whatever is...he, afterall, in order to procure this job writing for Elle Decor had to make like he even cared about...well...decor.

"You know," his wife whispers in his ear," like the time the drop leaf table dropped, and all the spaghetti fell onto Grandma's brand new carpet."

Meanwhile the editors have stated what they consider to be an exorbitant amount for an article on stupid, pointless, drop leaf tables, but they need it now, this week--

"For that piddling amount I can have the article to you in a year. After I've done a full investigation into fraud at your Magazine, about what you pay as opposed to what you promise to pay when one signs up to be your writing slave."

"Aw c'mon, Fred," they say now. "Have a heart. It's Christmas. People are using their drop leaf tables. This will be a socially relevant article, socially significant--"

"It won't come out until next summer--"

"Goddammit Joe--"

"Fred. It's Fred--"

"Goddammit Fred, Santa is watching you."

"No. He's watching my kids--"

"You don't have any kids--"

"That's Joe. I have two kids, which is why I need MORE MONEY for this piece...especially seeing as how it's Christmas, like you said."

"Jeezuz, Jo...Fred."

"Little Sally is, even as we speak, handing me her Christmas list, her eyes all big and shiny and sure as hell her Daddy will get her everything Santa doesn't. Oh, and look, here comes even smaller Susie--"

"Okay. All right. Sheesh." The editors double the amount.

The writer beams. His wife whispers, "But we don't have any kids--"

The writer begins--The divine drop leaf leaf table is the most--"